3. If you're not you, then who are you going to be?

"If you don't have a plan for your own life you will become part of someone else's" (Manson, 2018). I was raised by my grandparents to know who I am and never live a life as a stranger to myself, but that is easier said than done. I have met so many unhappy people in this life and the one thing they have in common is that they were trying to fit into roles that were not made for them. They try to be something they are not, and end up dimming their own light. I can't be that way. I was always warned by my grandparents that people would either love me or not. That may be ok for some people, we all have our roles to play and every main character needs a sidekick, but who is the main character in your story?

There is no in between for people like me. I wasn't sure what that meant or what that would look like, but life has sure shown me what hateful and unhappy people do when they come across someone like me. So, if I am not me, then who am I going to be? No one. I cannot be anyone else but myself. It's not easy being me. I am a lot.... and I mean.... I AM A LOT. My husband is a saint to be able to understand, love and support me. I am ATOMIC when I am upset and INCONSOLABLE when I am sad. I am A LOT. I want the world to be a better place and it pisses me off when people are mean to each other, but if you come at me the wrong way, I will shred you to pieces. I still have not learned to HOLD BACK and be LESS, so I think it is safe to say that I am goiung to continue to be A LOT for the rest of my days.

I worked in a school that was really toxic once. Some of the staff struggled with being happy, so misery loved their company. I brought programs to the school that they never knew about, I raised the bar for my students. I loved and supported the families and created a safe and peaceful environment that naturally, many gravitated to. This made the jealous and unhappy mad. I tried to be less for a while so I could give them peace. I did not attend socials, I separated myself from the hateful ones. If one of my colleagues became friendly with one of the hateful. I would walk away and let them be so they do not get asked about me or so it did not cause problems. The toxic behavior I thought I was helping erase by making myself less became worse. So, I had to step back into the light.

There was a full blown war that exploded on social media. The hateful came out and rallied to try to destroy my peace but could not. See, my peace cannot be disrupted because it is not dependent on their opinion. I simply have to ensure that I can live with the decisions I have made during the day so I can sleep at night. I am a good person, but I am not a nice person to everyone. They did not understand that about me because, emotionally and spiritually, they are infants. You have to grow. You have to want more for yourself than what you have been living. You have to shed old ideas and you have to act in a way that does not hurt anyone. This was not the case for this school. I had to leave.

My friend and colleague was diagnosed with cancer. It was terminal. She was given 6-12 months and she did not want to give them to that school. I noticed one Saturday that she had not replied to my message. I figured she was tired and needed to rest. I did not hear from her on Monday either and made a mental note to call her that evening, but did not. Life happens, I got busy and I forgot. The next day they announced over the speaker, at the end of first block that she had died. She lost her battle to cancer. As private as she was with her affairs, this is how the school chose to honor her and release the news. I had to take the rest of the week off. I was shattered. Something in me broke because I was making myself small to try to live in peace among small minded folks.

That was the beginning of the end for me. I could not be anything other than myself. Sure, I could be more like them and pretend to get along, but God made me honest, blunt and full of candor. Ok, so he missed out on giving me more tact, but He made me this way for a reason, and I fully embraced it. It's ok if people don't like me, their opinions do not matter. THAT is something I had forgotten but her death reminded me of that. She always laughed when we talked about the stories of what had happened the previous day. I will miss our 6:30 AM chats in her classroom. I will miss her always. I never thought I would meet another woman I could love as a sister and life gave me her. I was blessed to know her. I hope life gives me the opportunity to meet and love another sister in the years I have left, because the one thing I miss being in this life, besides a daughter, is being someone's sister. In the meantime, I will continue to build a new life in a new state with my husband and bring love to my neighborhood.